Judas Asparagus

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Tags: Funny, Humour, Children's Bible

How to seek redress when abused by Malaysian authorities

How to seek redress when abused by Malaysian authorities

If you know of anyone, let alone our citizens, who was abused, bullied, sexually harassed or mistreated by any member of our Msian police, immigration officers, army personnei or civil servants or any such like, you may lodge a formal complaint to the newly set up Enforcement Agencies Integrity Commission or SIAP which stands for Suruhjaya Integriti Agensi Penguatkuasaan.

Please visit its website http://www.eaic.gov.my/ to know the procedures to file the complaint. You can contact 03-88886618 or email aduan@eaic.gov.my.

FYI, Datuk Paul Low who heads Transparency International - Malaysia was appointed as one of the six commissioners of this Agency and is currently holding the position as Deputy Chairman. Datuk Paul is a God fearing believer and he is very committed to do his part in these positions to weed out corruption and see justice served.

Please inform others of this Agency ... and remember, be advised to lodge a complaint with SIAP besides making a police report (which may not be effective in punishing those responsible).
Tags: Enforcement Agencies Integrity Commission, SIAP, Suruhjaya Integriti Agensi Penguatkuasaan

Doctor, Why Are You So Irresponsible?

The doctor was called one evening for an urgent surgery. He answered the call, rushed to the hospital in minutes & went directly to the surgery theatre.

The boy's father, waiting in the hall for the doctor, yelled at the doctor on seeing him, "Why did you take all this time to come? Don't you know that my son's life is in danger? Don't you have any sense of responsibility?"

The doctor smiled & said, "I am sorry, I wasn't in the hospital & I came as fast as I could after receiving the call...... And now, I wish you'd calm down so that I can do my work".

"Calm down?! What if your son were in this room right now, can you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??" said the father angrily.

The doctor smiled again & replied, "I will say what "Job" said in the Holy Bible: "From dust we came & to dust we return, blessed be the name of God". Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go & pray for your son, and we will do our best."

"Giving advices when we're not concerned is so easy" Murmured the father. The surgery took some hours after which the doctor came out happily, "Thank goodness! Your son is saved!"

And without waiting for the father's reply he was heading for the door. "If you have any question, please ask the nurse!!"

"Why is he so arrogant? Can't he wait a few minutes so that I ask about my son's condition?" Commented the father to the nurse.

With tears in her eyes, the nurse said, "His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son's surgery. And now that he saved your son, he is getting back to his son's burial."
Tags: Doctor, Surgery