Life's Happenings

Friday, December 15, 2006

Installments

A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car, who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife.

She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you are wearing? Everything I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere." "Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said........"I'll pay you back in monthly installments."
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Installments, Tampon

Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1 December 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be an open bar & plenty of food We'll have a small band playing traditional carols .... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you & your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, tho unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you & your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3 December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money & executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet & pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed tho we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot contol the salt used in the food we suggest for those people w/high blood pressure to taste 1st. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 December 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, & you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk & die, The Bitch from HELL!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 6 December 2005
RE: Patty Lewis & Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery & I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party & give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!
Tags: Christmas, Party, Human Resource, Jokes, Funny, Humour

Lawyer In Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car!BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?" "Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says." So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply.... breathtaking and the groom was soooo...handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there!

And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce. Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Priest, Lawyer

Thursday, December 14, 2006

ABCDEFG - GFEDCBA

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Boy, Girl

Transportation in China

A newly developed large truck of 73.2 metres long is seen at an auto factory in Suzhou, east China's Jiangsu Province December 11, 2006. With hydraulic power systems, the super-extended truck could load 2,500 tons of cargo at a time. (pic sourced from Xinhua)

Tags: Transportation, China, Jiangsu Province, Truck, Hydraulic Power

Stormbreaker - movie review

Stormbreaker – starring Alex Pettyfer, Ewan McGregor, Robbie Coltrane & Mickey Rourke. Alex, the young guy has lost his parents when he was young & was brought up by his uncle whom travels worldwide a lot. Unknowingly to Alex at his young age, he was being nurtured as a spy for MI6, the same secret intelligence organization for James Bond. This show was better than the latest Casino Royale in terms of gadgets used by spies.

In his mission, Alex impersonated a computer geek that won a contest organized by the creator of Stormbreaker software for schools. He has to penetrate the creator’s, Darius Sayle, headquarters to check on their facilities and what they are up to. A nice movie with fighting scenes choreographed by Donnie Yen, one of the skilled kung fu masters and a friend of Jet Li. Alex was to stop the Stormbreaker computer from being launched that could trigger the death of schoolchildren who were witnessing the launch live on TV with the Stormbreaker. Time was not on Alex's advantage and numerous obstacles along the way delayed him.
Tags: Movie, Review, Cinema, Action, Spy, Stormbreaker, MI6