A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
----------------------------------------------------------------------
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes entered. It was very quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Tags: Doctors, Jokes, Funny, Humour
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Cancel Credit Card Prior to Death
It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is.... My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it is somewhere around RM60.00 I placed the following phone call to Citibank:-
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "...excuse me.?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
Citibank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
Citibank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given)
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Tags: Weird, Jokes, Funny, Humour, Citibank, Credit Card, Death Certificate, Customer Service
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "...excuse me.?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
Citibank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
Citibank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Me: "Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given)
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Tags: Weird, Jokes, Funny, Humour, Citibank, Credit Card, Death Certificate, Customer Service
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Man Utd - Asia Tour
Really glad to hear that Manchester United has arranged for a number of fixtures to be played at Asia during the coming summer break.
Next question, will I be in Malaysia on 27 July 2007??????? That's really heart sick.
Tags: Manchester United, Football, Soccer, Asia Tour 2007
Tax Cuts
It is interesting to hear a professor present a realistic view of how economics really work.
CLEAR EXPLANATION OF TAX CUTS......................... Sometimes politicians, journalists and others exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!" and it is just accepted to be fact, without questioning it But what does that really mean? Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, the following might help. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. What about the other six men, those paying the tab? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen
PhD Professor of Economics
University of Georgia
I'm sure quite a number of email readers have received the above article on Tax Cuts but David Kamerschen has denied that he had ever written such an article. Though he has penned more than 200 articles for the last 20 years, the Tax Cuts was not one of them.
Tags: David R Kamerschen, University of Georgia, Tax, Economics, Wealth, Beer
CLEAR EXPLANATION OF TAX CUTS......................... Sometimes politicians, journalists and others exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!" and it is just accepted to be fact, without questioning it But what does that really mean? Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, the following might help. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. What about the other six men, those paying the tab? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen
PhD Professor of Economics
University of Georgia
I'm sure quite a number of email readers have received the above article on Tax Cuts but David Kamerschen has denied that he had ever written such an article. Though he has penned more than 200 articles for the last 20 years, the Tax Cuts was not one of them.
Tags: David R Kamerschen, University of Georgia, Tax, Economics, Wealth, Beer
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Life of Your Dreams
"What exactly does it take to live the life of your dreams? Perfect timing? Fortunate opportunities? A million dollars in the bank? Not even close. It takes a decision; A simple decision that will ultimately test the strength of your commitment and the depth of your faith."
~ from "The Sequoia Seed" by Karen Wright
No one has ever said living the life of your dreams is easy. It takes drive and determination, persistence and patience, faith in ourselves and trust in powers greater than ourselves. And there's always that chance that if we go for it, we won't even t make it. We could lose everything.
The greater risk, however, comes in doing nothing at all. For then not only do we condemn our dream to certain doom, we condemn ourselves to spending the rest of our lives thinking of what we might have done.
Right now, the timing is perfect, opportunity is knocking and everything you need is at hand. Why not make the decision, today, to go for your dream? Commit yourself to it. Pursue it with excellence. Grab hold of it with all your heart and do not let go. Both you and your dream are worth it.
Tags: Inspiration, Dream, Karen Wright, Sequoia Seed
~ from "The Sequoia Seed" by Karen Wright
No one has ever said living the life of your dreams is easy. It takes drive and determination, persistence and patience, faith in ourselves and trust in powers greater than ourselves. And there's always that chance that if we go for it, we won't even t make it. We could lose everything.
The greater risk, however, comes in doing nothing at all. For then not only do we condemn our dream to certain doom, we condemn ourselves to spending the rest of our lives thinking of what we might have done.
Right now, the timing is perfect, opportunity is knocking and everything you need is at hand. Why not make the decision, today, to go for your dream? Commit yourself to it. Pursue it with excellence. Grab hold of it with all your heart and do not let go. Both you and your dream are worth it.
Tags: Inspiration, Dream, Karen Wright, Sequoia Seed
33 Killed In University Compound
*Latest update - The gunman has been identified as Cho Seung-Hui — a 23-year-old senior majoring in English. He came to USA in 1992 with his parents. Read more about him.
A tragedy has occured in an university compound yesterday. The place, Virginia Tech, located at southwestern of Virginia state. A gunman, aged 19, shot dead 2 students in a dorm and proceeded to Norris Hall at the other side of the university campus. There, he padlocked the doors and proceeded to shoot a professor first before shooting students randomly. 30 were killed.
This tragic incident would trigger the sad memory of the Columbine High that happened on 20 April 1999 where 2 teenagers killed 13 people.
Where did they get those guns? I understood that it's easy to obtain a weapon's permit in USA and thus, it could be easier to obtain a weapon if the price was right too. It could be parents' negligence in not keeping their weapons safely. The question goes back to the legality on the sale of arms in USA.
I'm glad that Malaysia does not practice having shops selling weapons all over the country. Otherwise, such incident is bound to happen here as well.
My condolence and prayers to the victims' family. Regular updates on the tragedy by the university are being posted here and the university's President, Charles W. Steger, has made a statement with podcast available too.
Reading: Gunman kills 32 in Virginia Tech rampage - Yahoo News!
Reading: 33 killed in U.S. college massacre - The Star
Reading: Witness survives by pretending to be dead -CNN
Tags: Virginia Tech, Virginia, Columbine High, University, Dorm, Charles W Steger, Massacre, Cho Seung-Hui, South Korea
A tragedy has occured in an university compound yesterday. The place, Virginia Tech, located at southwestern of Virginia state. A gunman, aged 19, shot dead 2 students in a dorm and proceeded to Norris Hall at the other side of the university campus. There, he padlocked the doors and proceeded to shoot a professor first before shooting students randomly. 30 were killed.This tragic incident would trigger the sad memory of the Columbine High that happened on 20 April 1999 where 2 teenagers killed 13 people.
Where did they get those guns? I understood that it's easy to obtain a weapon's permit in USA and thus, it could be easier to obtain a weapon if the price was right too. It could be parents' negligence in not keeping their weapons safely. The question goes back to the legality on the sale of arms in USA.
I'm glad that Malaysia does not practice having shops selling weapons all over the country. Otherwise, such incident is bound to happen here as well.
My condolence and prayers to the victims' family. Regular updates on the tragedy by the university are being posted here and the university's President, Charles W. Steger, has made a statement with podcast available too.
Reading: Gunman kills 32 in Virginia Tech rampage - Yahoo News!
Reading: 33 killed in U.S. college massacre - The Star
Reading: Witness survives by pretending to be dead -CNN
Tags: Virginia Tech, Virginia, Columbine High, University, Dorm, Charles W Steger, Massacre, Cho Seung-Hui, South Korea
Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Moral of the story: B4 u comment on others, please take a good look at yourself first!!!
Tags: Women, St Peter, Jokes, Funny, Humour, Duck
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Moral of the story: B4 u comment on others, please take a good look at yourself first!!!
Tags: Women, St Peter, Jokes, Funny, Humour, Duck
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