The Stance

To all you women I sent this to --- AMEN!! (Obviously I received this from a female)
To all the men I sent this to, NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION AGAIN!!!

My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door shut, your purse, and hand you kleenex under the door.
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humor, The Stance, Restroom, Toilet, Toilet Seat, Toilet Paper

Bloggers United

I'm a fan of Manchester United ...... didn't expect that there is the United thing in blogosphere too. Well, this Bloggers United started off from Sheih of Kickdefella where it calls for Malaysian bloggers to be united in freedom of speech.

If you are a Malaysian blogger, you can copy this picture to be pasted in your blog. If you are a non-Malaysian blogger but supports bloggers, you can also paste it in your blog. Or access Kickdefella's website for more picture sizes.

Sadly, we have been informed that 2 socio-political bloggers have been issued Writs of Summon (of 12 inches high) for their blogging. It seems comments made in the respective blogs are also taken into consideration as part of the blogger's responsibility now.

Jeff Ooi of Screenshots and Ahiruddin Attan of RockyBru will have to appear before the court by month end.

Kickdefella came up with a poster in support of RockyBru.

No more freedom of speech in Malaysia?
Tags: Writ of Summon, Jeff Ooi, Screenshots, Ahirudin Attan, RockyBru, Bloggers United, Kickdefella

The Apprentice - Malaysia's Version

I'm sure many of you have heard of "The Apprentice" where Donald Trump sits at the
table with 2 of his assistants firing young guys/girls out of the reality show.






Malaysia will be having their own version called "The Firm".
Malaysia will just follow any good shows for instance out of Wheel of Fortune, came Roda Impian, American Idol gave birth to Malaysian Idol and was it Who Wants To Be A Millionaire .........

Words are being passed around town, yeah it even reach the Sudanese desert as well, looking for participants. The reality show will be shown on NTV7 eventually and 10 guys/girls at ages from 21 to 35 could go for an interview. You are lucky that you got this message in my blog. Because if I was in that age group, I would have kept this info for myself. Lesser participants, more chances of winning. I'm stingy? Greedy? No, the show has begun even before the start of the real one....... mua hahahaha. Since, I would have passed that last age of 35 by just few days on the closing date, I'm letting this cat out of the bag for you guys/girls to have a go at it. Remember, to post a thank you message here if you were selected after reading this info.

Apparently, the CEO for the show has not been found yet. The secret CEO will be like Donald Trump, thrashing the participants. Actually I could suggest people who are good in thrashing human beings but they are not CEO qualities lah.

Prizes? Oh yes! Heard that there are cash prizes, maybe even a car (lots of difference between a local car or a non-local car) and a job opportunity in that secret CEO's office and more prizes being worked out. The secret CEO could be even your current CEO.

Visit NTV7 website to obtain more info and the application form. The closing date for application is 26 January 2007.
Tags: The Apprentice, Donald Trump, The Firm, Malaysia, NTV7, Entertainment, Reality Show

Why Didn't They Teach Us Maths Like This?

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican. "Fair enough," says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Here you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humor, Maths

Golden Globe Awards

In yesterday's Golden Globe Awards event, the following winners were announced....some were unexpected but nevertheless all were good movies as it was nominated and won.

Now you know which movies you cannot miss at all:-
Cecil B. DeMille Award - Warren Beatty

Best Motion Picture - Drama - Babel

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama
- Helen Mirren – The Queen

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama
- Forest Whitaker – The Last King Of Scotland

Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy - Dreamgirls

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy
- Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy
- Sacha Cohen – Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
- Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
- Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls

Best Animated Feature Film - Cars

Best Foreign Languge Film - Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States)

Best Director - Motion Picture - Martin Scorsese – The Departed

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture - The Queen

Best Original Score - Motion Picture - The Painted Veil (Desplat)

Best Original Song - Motion Picture - "The Song Of The Heart" – Happy Feet

Best Television Series - Drama - Grey's Anatomy

Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy - Ugly Betty

For the full listing of the other nominees, you can view it under the Nominations.
I have watched The Devil Wears Prada (click for my review) too. The Happy Feet movie is with me. I think I will watch it soon.
Tags: Golden Globe Awards, Beverly Hilton, Babel, The Departed, The Queen, The Last King of Scotland, Dreamgirls, Borat, The Devil Wears Prada, Cars, Letters From Iwo Jima, Happy Feet, Greys Anatomy, Ugly Betty, The Painted Veil, Movie, Cinema, TV Series

Does God Exist?

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen. It's an explanation other people will understand. A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists." "Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things. "The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt! The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber and I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside." "Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me." "Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him.

That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
Tags: Christianity, God, Barber, Customer

Monday Blues' Chuckles

*Break into the house*
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

*Lost Wife*
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humor, Husband, Wife