13..13...13

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13'.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting

'14....14....14'....

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Mental Hospital

Out Somewhere Expensive

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded

that I take her out to some place expensive................











... So I took her to a petrol station

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Petrol Station, Expensive

Generation Y Defined

The Silent Generation, people born before 1945.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.

Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1995.

Why do we call the last one generation Y?
I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below ...
Tags: Generation Y, People, Silent Generation, Baby Boomers, Generation X

Scottish Logic

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."
Tags: Scottish Logic, Scotland, Funny, Humour, Jokes

Barber in New York

There was once a very good barber in New York, he give free haircut to everybody who comes into his shop to have their haircuts.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop,there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The Singaporean software engineer is very happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there ....... .....
Can you guess?

Come on, think like a Singaporean lah....

have you got the answer ........... ?????

come on ............ .make your brain like a Singaporean! !!

guess....... ......what? ?

guess

guess....... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......









a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!
Tags: Barber, New York, Singaporean, Florist, Policeman, Software Engineer, Funny, Humour, Jokes

Part Owner of Google

Recently, with the most stock prices going downwards in the New York Stock Exchange, I bought a large block of Google shares at very very cheap price. With block of shares, I was able to have some say in the Google management too.

Since I have some say, I might as well tell them to change their usual Google Search template to the one seen as below .............. how nice of themTags: Google, Google Search, Google Shares, New York Stock Exchange

Ah Beng Jokes

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his phone book & said, "My mobile no. has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"
===================================================
Ah Beng: I am proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
===================================================
Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
===================================================
Ah Beng: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I'll also stay with your sister.
===================================================
Ah Beng: People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng: When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.
===================================================
Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng: If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?===================================================
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
=====================================================
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Ah Beng

Being A Chinese

There are at least 29 ways to know if you're Chinese. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and re-use the wrapping (and especially those ribbons)
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:-
(a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them (your mom will give you a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
(b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing
6. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers and jam jars
7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant
9 . You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman; if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera
14. You're a wok user
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh
17. You never call your parents just to say, ' Hi '
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay indoors when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked foods because such food is ' heaty'
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart
21. You always cook too much
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table
23. You starve yourself before going to an ' All You Can Eat ' buffet
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry, electronics or computers
25 . You own your own meat cleaver and sharpens it
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin
27. You call a sausage a hotdog
28. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in your travel-bag as souvenirs
29. You never forget to take with you all the unused bath and facial tissues when you check out from the hotel because you believe that you have paid for it all
Tags: Chinese, Funny, Humour

Feeling Lucky Today?

You are a South African bush pilot working for Blue Sky Aviation.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.

On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade within 1 mile has become very popular.

"Do I feel lucky today?"

Isn't this awesome????????Tags: Lucky, Blue Sky Aviation

Humour to Start Your Day

Blessing in Disguise
Ponder the Kansas farm couple who are sleeping early one morning when a tornado roars over their farmhouse. It lifts the roof off, picks up the bed the farmer and his wife are sleeping in, and sets them gently in the next county.The wife begins to cry.'Don't be scared, dear,' her husband says,'We are not hurt.'The woman continues to cry,'I am not scared,' she says between sobs.'I am crying because I am happy. This is the first time in ten years we've been out together.'

Woman's Logic
Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, 'I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning and right away I knew he was a troublemaker.
He started to insult me; he used really bad language, he even threatened me!'
'How did you meet this fellow?' He asked, very concerned.
She said, 'Well, we met by accident; I hit him with the car.'

Patient
Marvin murmurs, 'I hv not got a psychiatrist for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.'

And Food for Thought ...

Tunku Abdul Rahman Putra Al-Haj's vision for 'Malaya' (Malaysia)
'Whatever others may do, and however hard we may have to fight, we will stand by the ideals, and the principled democracy. We are determined to create a new nation, evolving our own personalities, maintaining our Malayan (Malaysian) way of life, defending our Parliamentary democracy, and upholding the principle that the state is made for men and not men for the state.'
Tags: Funny, Humour, Jokes, Kansas, Tornado, Psychiatrist, Malaya, Malayan

Night Out Permission Slip

When a man goes out for a gathering with his own friends, guys for that matter, a man has to submit an application to his wife.
When it come to the wife's turn to go out with her girl friends, the wife too will submit an application to her husband, fair isn't it?

Tags: Night Out, Permission Slip, Funny, Humour

Coconut Tree Personality Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:-

King Kong,

Ape,

Orang Utan;

and a Monkey.

They have a competition to see which animal is the fastest to get the banana.

Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality.

Try and answer within 30 seconds.

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....

If your answer is ....

Orang Utan = dull

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid


Why ?????

.....
.....
.....

Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas .........??

It's obvious you're stressed by your work. It's Friday today, have a good rest this weekend!
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Stress, Coconut Tree, Orang Utan, Ape, Monkey, King Kong

Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year 2007

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:-
'Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners,
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book,
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1.00 p.m.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor,
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home,
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing,

At 4:30 p.m., he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for dinner,
After dinner, he cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.

At 9.00 p.m., he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:-
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:-
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year 2007!
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Email of the Year

Email From Astro on Tracking Codes

Astro, Malaysia's company that monopolised the cable TV service, has sent an email to a cable TV customer in response on the irritating tracking codes, BIP1, MHK2 & OMF3, that kept appearing on the TV screen on every show that is shown.
--------------------------------------------

On Behalf Of Uncle Yap
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 8:51 AM
Cc: bpmalaysia@yahoogroups.com; bpmalaysia@yahoogroups. com
Subject: E-mail from Astro

You might be interested to read what I have just received from Astro.

To: xxxxx@streamyx. com
Subject: Re: BIP1, MHK2 & OMF3
From: We Care
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2008 16:00:36 +0800

Dear Encik Yap,

We refer to your email below and would like to apologise for the inconvenience caused. We wish to advise that we have noted your comments on the irritation suffered by you on the regular appearance of the letters BIP1, MHK2 & OMF3 on your screen whenever you and your family watch Astro programmes. Please be advised that the appearance of a 4-digit code on your television screen is part of an on-going audit and tracking procedures undertaken by Astro to improve the safety and security of the smart card.

Alamak, why am I bull-shitting you?

If you really want to know, when we started the Astro service in this country in 1996 following the launch of the MEASAT-1 satellite, our turn-key contractor and consultant was Brainbox Integrated Production plc, a British hi-tech firm located in Virginia Waters, Surrey in the United Kingdom.

In the early days, we needed to incorporate certain codes to monitor our programmes and for that purpose, three sets of alpha-numeric characters were devised by the then-senior engineer, Mr Merde-Hereford Kingsley.

We do not have records of how or why he chose BIP 1 but we strongly believe this was the initials of the consultant company, Brainbox Integrated Production plc.

The second code is obviously the initials of Mr Merde-Hereford Kingsley himself, a bit like the personal appearance of the late Alfred Hitchcock in one of his films.

As for the third set of codes, we have reasons to believe they were his favourite swear words, "Oh, mother f*****" which he would shout aloud in the laboratory whenever he met with a problem. However, we are also led to think that they may well represent the initials of the missionary group of his parents.

You may be interested to know that at a young age, Mr Merde-Hereford Kingsley was sent to Eton (and then later to read physics at Hertford College, Oxford) when his parents, Oliver and Rachel Kingsley volunteered for the China Inland Mission (CIM).

However, due to the turmoil in China occasioned by the struggle between the Kuomintang and the Chinese Communist Party following the end of WWII, many CIM missionaries were unable to go to China to spread the Christian gospel. Many of the volunteer-missionaries were diverted to other Asian countries like Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Malaya and Indonesia.

To reflect the change, CIM was renamed OMF for Overseas Missionary Fellowship. We are fairly certain that the above narrative adequately described the origins of the three codes that you have complained about.

As to why they still remain to plague you is yet another story which I have to seek among the old-timers to get at the truth. Apparently, the Senior Engineer, Mr Merde-Hereford Kingsley, in the course of his work on Astro, met and fell in love with the Secretary to Mr Ananda Krishnan, the CEO of Astro and Measat. This lady by name of Cik Zaleha Omar was a most comely lady who was reputed to speak three languages, Malay, English and Tamil. When the question of marriage cropped up, there was great anguish and anxiety in the Astro organisation that a Christian foreigner would dare cohabit with and marry a local Malay lady of the Islamic faith.

The matters was not resolved until Mr Merde-Hereford Kingsley was given a 24-hour order by the Immigration Department, Ministry of Home Affairs, to leave the country, which he did around midnight 24 October 2002.

We are unable to tell more as Cik Zaleha Omar left the services of Astro shortly after. We are also unable to tell you whether she emigrated to the United Kingdom. However, we are able to tell you that nobody in Astro know how to switch the codes off.

So today and everyday since October 2002, we have to live with the irritating codes of BIP1, MHK2 & OMF3 on yourscreen.

We trust the above clarifications are in order. Should you need further assistance, kindly contact our Call Centre at 1300-82-3838 which is operational from 8.00 am to 12.00 midnight daily or email to wecare@astro.com.my.

It is our pleasure to be of service to you.

Yours sincerely,
Muhammad Jan Rawi
Correspondence Officer
Customer Service

From: xxxxx@streamyx. com
Sent: Sunday, March 30, 2008 10:13 AM>
To: We Care>Subject: BIP1, MHK2 & OMF3>
Remote Address : 60.46.202.35>Remote Host : 60.46.202.35>HTTP User Agent : Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-GB;>

--------------------------------------------

Interesting story, isn't it? Apparently, it was just a April Fool's Day joke of the century. There was someone who was so free to write such an article. Somebody must have pissed this fella off while working Astro, I presumed so.

Maybe the writer was a guy who didn't get to court the secretary as it was taken by an expat senior engineer ...... LOL!
Tags: Astro, Measat-1 Satellite, Merde-Hereford Kingsley, Brainbox Integrated Production plc, Chinese Communist Party, Overseas Missionary Fellowship, China Inland Mission, April Fool Joke

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

If you dont succeed at an interview TRY THIS!
----------------------------
Herbert A. Millington Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall
Whitson University College Hill
MA 34109 USA

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusuallylarge number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Tags: Rejection Letter, Assistant Professor, Funny, Humour, Jokes

Bible Humour

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says "He-brews"

Keep Smiling!!!!!

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Bible Humour

Men Ruling

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, God, St Peter, Women Domination

It's Started...

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!" She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Beer

Where is Chimpeng?

A local scenario that happened in Kuala Lumpur one fine day that would be understood by all Malaysians -

I was looking for an empty space to park my car at Bangsar when suddenly there's a knock on the glass.

"Encik ah..tanya sikit ah..itu Chimpeng mana ah..?"

"Apa?"

"Chimpeng, Chimpeng...saya sudah tanya itu guard ah.. dia ckaap sini ada satu Chimpeng...."

"Sorrylah Apek. Saya tak tau woh...Apa tempat itu Chimpeng?"

"Aiyah...itu Chimpeng balu punya..Saya mau pigi angkat wang la..."

"Tarak tau la boss. Itu kedai ka apa?Along ka?"

"Chimpeng bukan kedai ma..lu itu pun tak tau ah..? itu Chimpeng macam itu Maypeng, Public Peng, RHetB Peng...itu balu punya Peng.."

Adoi...bengap punya apek..buat aku pening je..dia actually cari *CIMB Bank*.
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, CIMB Bank

Final Words - Election Joke

The old priest lay dying in the hospital.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near."Yes, Father ?" said the nurse." I would really like to see KJ and SV before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. KJ and SV would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, KJ commented to SV "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." SV couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took SV's hand in his right hand and KJ's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally SV spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end ?" The old priest slowly replied: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued......"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Election Joke