Latest Piping Technology

The Domestic Engineers would definitely be interested with this latest piping technology.


People asked me "Who are the Domestic Engineers?" .............. housewives. They worked in their domestic comfort but they know every single details of the family, household and related stuff ... just like an engineer.
Tags: Piping Technology, Domestic Engineer

Chinese Courier Service

An innovative delivery method, the Chinese ways... forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx !!!

A family in the southern province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:-

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ahma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 bottles of Yomeishu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ahma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins. let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too............

Definitions:-
Ahma - grandma
Ah Kong- grandpa
Tags: Kiasu, Yomeishu, Swiss Chocolates, Nike Air Shoes, Armani Jeans, CK T-Shirts, Rolex Watch, Tiffany Necklace, Polo Cotton Socks

Batman Suparman in Singapore

Voice message recorded in a call centre:-

"Thank you for calling, this is BATMAN"

"Who am I speaking to?.."

"Batman..."

"May I have your name again pls?"

"My name is Bat-man..."

"Trying to be funny huh?!. What is your surname?.."

"Supar-man..."

"I want to speak with your manager... !"
Tags: Batman, Suparman, Funny, Humour

What Has Frying An Egg Got To Do With Driving?

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
Tags: Wife, Husband, Funny, Humour, Frying Egg, Driving

Message In A Bottle?????

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault ... women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

Tags: Funny, Humour, Car Accident, Women Drivers

Singaporeans Caught Smuggling by Japanese

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, "Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. "Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him.

The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself.

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted,

" FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Tags: Singaporean, Japanese, Japanese Occupation, Firing Squad, Ah Beng, Natural Disasters, Funny, Humour

Sinful Drinks Being Sold Publicly?

It was really funny when this picture was shown to me by a friend ............ the words in Malay language "Minuman Berdosa", if translated literally would mean "Sinful Drinks" instead of Carbonated Drinks.

The correct word should have been "Minuman Bersoda" ....... yeah, the mixed up of "so" and "da".

Only Malaysians or Indonesians who knew Malay language would find this humourous. In a way you could get anything you want in Carrefour, not in Malaysia though but available in Indonesia only.
Tags: Sinful Drink, Carbonated Drink, Minuman Berdosa, Minuman Bersoda, Carrefour, Funny, Humour

People Can Hear What You Say

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him 'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions.

Cell phones, don't you just love them.

Tags: Cell Phone, Mobile Phone, Handphone, Funny, Humour

The Ostrich Story

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62. 'Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket everytime?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there. 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

MORAL OF THE STORY
When you make requests, be specific. Precision is of utmost importance.
Tags: Ostrich, Request, Precision, Genie, Funny, Humour

Legal Method in Earning Extra

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500!" replied the man.

"Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need," said the lawyer.

-----------------------------------
The professor of a Contract Law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and
seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.

-----------------------------------
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a cheque in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: 'Legal Consultation Service: $150'.

-----------------------------------
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with Honours, and then went home to join his father's legal firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, you know what, in one day I managed to solve the accident case that you've been working on for 10 years!"

His father responded: " You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for 10 years!"
Tags: Lawyer, Contract Law, Funny, Humour, Jokes, Legal Firm, Legal Consultation Service

Success of Marriage

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride.

After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?".

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!".

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after."
Tags: Success of Marriage, Funny, Humour, Jokes, Honeymoon, Horse Riding, Revolver

How Men Change

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?


Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?


Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!


Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??


New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?


TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!


Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!
Tags: Men, Jokes, Funny, Humour

National Leaders in a Train Ride

Singaporeans will love this one! But our Malaysian, Pakistan and Filipino friends should also appreciate the humour!

General Musharraf, Dr Mahathir, Gloria Arroyo & Lee Kuan Yew were sitting in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark for the next 8 seconds.

Suddenly there is a loud kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Arroyo and Musharraf are seated across each other, both looking perplexed.

Mahathir, seated across LKY, is bent over holding his face, which is very red from an apparent big slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Musharraf is thinking: 'These Malaysians are all crazy after Arroyo. Mahathir must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him !'

Arroyo is thinking: 'Mahathir must have moved to kiss me, but kissed Musharraf instead and got slapped.'

Mahathir is thinking: 'Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss Arroyo; she thought it was me and slapped me instead. Shit !!'

Lee Kuan Yew is thinking: 'If this train goes through one more tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Mahathir again !!'
Tags: General Musharraf, Dr Mahathir, Gloria Arroyo, Lee Kuan Yew, Train

Deadlock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

How is it ????? This is called deadlock.
Tags: Deadlock, Funny, Humour, Secret Lover

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about youI must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
give me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind .... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Tags: Forrest Gump, St Peter, Pearly Gates, Funny, Humour, Jokes

Chinese Courier Service

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the United States. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:-

Dear Cousins,
I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ah-ma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not felling well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too............
Tags: Courier Service, Chinese, Southern Province of China, Swiss Chocolates, Armani Jeans, Rolex Watch, Nike Air Shoes, Tiffany Necklace, Polo, Jokes, Funny, Humour

Wedding Invitation

This is what they meant by getting your parents' blessing -
Tags: Wedding, Wedding Invitation, Parents' Blessing

Fairy Tale

One day,



long, long ago,



there was this woman



who surprisingly,



did not whine,


nag,


and bitch ........?


But this was a long time ago .....?


and it was just



for ONE day
Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Fairy Tale

Senility

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time ..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Tags: Funny, Humour, Jokes, Senility, Pall Bearers, Casket, Cards

Doctors Comparing Notes .....!

An Israeli doctor says: 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says: 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says: 'In my country, medicine is so far progressed that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Malaysian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains, put him in the Parliament for 5 years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Tags: Jokes, Funny, Humour, Israeli, German, Russian, Malaysian, Doctor